I wear your ring and I shall not apologise for it. It may not match my clothes, the season or the situation, but I wear it anyway. I wear it because I miss you, with a great deep longing that is hard to describe. It may not match my clothes, the weather, or the look I should be striving to have, but I wear it. Because I miss you. And I love you. And I remember you. Always.
Wednesday, July 05, 2017
Monday, July 03, 2017
Rorenriness
Day 9.
Rorenriness is setting in. Turns out there is only so much alone time that I as an introvert require. "What? That's Impossible!" You say. "You like having me time" You say. Yes I eat my words now. I miss home, my family, my friends and my little dogsies.
Have spent last 2 days more or less on couches and beds binge watching Netflix and Amazon Prime. The only saving grace is that it is on various couches in my dorm and also in my brother's house. So yes. I did shower and get out of the house on various occasions.
Well. Actually to be fair, I also went to a nice little Farmer's Market in Sunnyvale to EAT OYSTERS FOR BREAKFAST. Yes people in California do that. And I went to a comic store to buy a graphic novel, and also to a local grocery store to look at all the many things in the world that I should not be eating.
Today I bought tickets to go to Los Angeles. Whoot! HARRY POTTER HERE I COME. Of course it is also to see my great friend Alice, and not so much to visit the WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER, where I shall BUY WANDS, DRINK BUTTERBEER and join the house of HUFFLEPUFF. It's definitely to see Alice. Right.
Rorenriness is setting in. Turns out there is only so much alone time that I as an introvert require. "What? That's Impossible!" You say. "You like having me time" You say. Yes I eat my words now. I miss home, my family, my friends and my little dogsies.
Have spent last 2 days more or less on couches and beds binge watching Netflix and Amazon Prime. The only saving grace is that it is on various couches in my dorm and also in my brother's house. So yes. I did shower and get out of the house on various occasions.
Well. Actually to be fair, I also went to a nice little Farmer's Market in Sunnyvale to EAT OYSTERS FOR BREAKFAST. Yes people in California do that. And I went to a comic store to buy a graphic novel, and also to a local grocery store to look at all the many things in the world that I should not be eating.
Today I bought tickets to go to Los Angeles. Whoot! HARRY POTTER HERE I COME. Of course it is also to see my great friend Alice, and not so much to visit the WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER, where I shall BUY WANDS, DRINK BUTTERBEER and join the house of HUFFLEPUFF. It's definitely to see Alice. Right.
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
Oh. My. Good. God.
Oh my god. I am literally the OLDEST student at "summer school". The class comprised of 10-12 students of which there was 1 undergraduate, 1 graduate student, me and high school students, including juniors - which roughly means the equivalent of FORM 4. WTF.
First of all, I wasn't terribly nervous going in. I mean. I'm a adult. I draw a salary. I own an apartment. I have a driving license. I have my own netflix account. Seriously - I eat high school students for breakfast.
This lasted for all of 5 minutes during class, at which point in time my professor saw it fit to ask an open question around "Give me your thoughts on Water; Properties, Processes, Projects and Problems". My first thought was - that is not MECE.
Then, all this high school studies start shouting out random words like "Solvents" and "Molecules" and "Greenhouse Gas" and "Water is the only substance that exists in all three states (gas, liquid and solid) at temperatures at which human can exist". My contribution - because you get graded on something called Class Participation - was "Water Treatment". When that brain fart left my mouth, I wanted to crawl under the desk and die.
I was also like OMFG - I need to get the fuck out of here, because all these people are Overachieving Monsters. There was a guy in front of me taking copious notes on his Mac. I mean WHAT NOTES WERE THERE TO TAKE? The professor was showing us PICTURES.
Then we had the Spotlight Moment, where they asked everyone to go around to introduce themselves. I was the last. After 11 people talking about how they are seniors and juniors in high school who really wanted to study water because they are so passionate about the environment. I introduced myself as the "Oldest Student in Class" who thought this was the "Most interesting course on the summer list". This great show of wittiness was met with dead silence.
***
In any case, it has been great so far. I have cycled so much that my ass hurts. Now time to huddle under the covers and watch ANOTHER SEASON OF HERCULE POIROT.
Best holiday ever
First of all, I wasn't terribly nervous going in. I mean. I'm a adult. I draw a salary. I own an apartment. I have a driving license. I have my own netflix account. Seriously - I eat high school students for breakfast.
This lasted for all of 5 minutes during class, at which point in time my professor saw it fit to ask an open question around "Give me your thoughts on Water; Properties, Processes, Projects and Problems". My first thought was - that is not MECE.
Then, all this high school studies start shouting out random words like "Solvents" and "Molecules" and "Greenhouse Gas" and "Water is the only substance that exists in all three states (gas, liquid and solid) at temperatures at which human can exist". My contribution - because you get graded on something called Class Participation - was "Water Treatment". When that brain fart left my mouth, I wanted to crawl under the desk and die.
I was also like OMFG - I need to get the fuck out of here, because all these people are Overachieving Monsters. There was a guy in front of me taking copious notes on his Mac. I mean WHAT NOTES WERE THERE TO TAKE? The professor was showing us PICTURES.
Then we had the Spotlight Moment, where they asked everyone to go around to introduce themselves. I was the last. After 11 people talking about how they are seniors and juniors in high school who really wanted to study water because they are so passionate about the environment. I introduced myself as the "Oldest Student in Class" who thought this was the "Most interesting course on the summer list". This great show of wittiness was met with dead silence.
***
In any case, it has been great so far. I have cycled so much that my ass hurts. Now time to huddle under the covers and watch ANOTHER SEASON OF HERCULE POIROT.
Best holiday ever
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
The mysterious uncle
My uncle passed away. To my knowledge, he was very old. I have never met this man, as he left for Taiwan before I was born, and mysteriously came back a few years ago for reasons unknown to me. My mother claims I have met that "side of the family" - she says it in the hushed tones when you talk about things you would rather not have to talk about. It is all very intriguing and mysterious to me and leads me to think - 'This Is A Man Who Had An Exciting Life'.
In true family form, the information of his passing came, and very quickly descended into the following:
1. A heated phone argument with mother about whether to fly or take a bus back to Penang due to "flying being very expensive", apparent "flight phobias", "nobody will pick us up from the airport", "cannot find IC, so cannot book flights". This is a debate between a 2 hour end to end journey by flight, and 5 hour end to end journey by bus. Why.
2. Me and father not allowed to go, as someone needs to stay behind to feed the dogs who "will die if they are not fed" followed by a detailed explanation of how the dogs need to be fed "two tins of the biscuits in big bag, mixed with half tin of the canned food, heated. No feeding them together because the fat one will steal everybody's food". It's true - the fat one is sneaky that way - I find the argument logically sound, but disproportionate to the context.
3. I give up and call my father to "sort this out".
4. Sanity prevails. I am allowed to book flights. Father and I are allowed to go for day trip and dogs will not die as they will be fed and watered in the morning and we will be back in the evening.
5. A flurry of whatsapp messages with cousin about who is going back to Penang (everybody!) and where we will eat (everywhere!). A voice in my brain asks myself if such glee is appropriate for a funeral and is promptly ignored
6. A flurry of whatsapp messages with my brother saying he would like to send flowers. Mother shuts that shit down. She says "Send money. We are not white people". I secretly message cousin to give me the address of funeral as I remember funeral parlors without flowers being quite sad.
7. I come home early thinking my mother may need someone to be around in case... Mother eyes me suspiciously as I sneak in at 130PM; "Why are you home early?" She seems fine, and more anxious about me being home early than her brother having just passed away. I do not belabor the point.
That's me day.
In true family form, the information of his passing came, and very quickly descended into the following:
1. A heated phone argument with mother about whether to fly or take a bus back to Penang due to "flying being very expensive", apparent "flight phobias", "nobody will pick us up from the airport", "cannot find IC, so cannot book flights". This is a debate between a 2 hour end to end journey by flight, and 5 hour end to end journey by bus. Why.
2. Me and father not allowed to go, as someone needs to stay behind to feed the dogs who "will die if they are not fed" followed by a detailed explanation of how the dogs need to be fed "two tins of the biscuits in big bag, mixed with half tin of the canned food, heated. No feeding them together because the fat one will steal everybody's food". It's true - the fat one is sneaky that way - I find the argument logically sound, but disproportionate to the context.
3. I give up and call my father to "sort this out".
4. Sanity prevails. I am allowed to book flights. Father and I are allowed to go for day trip and dogs will not die as they will be fed and watered in the morning and we will be back in the evening.
5. A flurry of whatsapp messages with cousin about who is going back to Penang (everybody!) and where we will eat (everywhere!). A voice in my brain asks myself if such glee is appropriate for a funeral and is promptly ignored
6. A flurry of whatsapp messages with my brother saying he would like to send flowers. Mother shuts that shit down. She says "Send money. We are not white people". I secretly message cousin to give me the address of funeral as I remember funeral parlors without flowers being quite sad.
7. I come home early thinking my mother may need someone to be around in case... Mother eyes me suspiciously as I sneak in at 130PM; "Why are you home early?" She seems fine, and more anxious about me being home early than her brother having just passed away. I do not belabor the point.
That's me day.
The uncle mystery
Today I heard that my uncle has passed away. He was the eldest of seven children, my mother's brother. He is a mystery to me, having never met him my entire life. He left before I was born to Taiwan, and came back not too many years ago. And now he is gone.
It started with a short curt message on his demise, and quickly transitioned to:
It started with a short curt message on his demise, and quickly transitioned to:
1. Irrational arguments about taking the bus versus plane on account of planes being "very expensive", aunts having "plane phobias" and "nobody can pick us up from the airport"
Monday, May 01, 2017
Month 4
Dear Ah Ma
How fast time flies. You left us. And here we are now.
It's Qing Ming again. Pa and I have NOT made it back to see you. We should should should. We went a little earlier just to make sure the gravestone was in order. It looked fine to me, but to be honest, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. On the way back he suggested that we stop by Tayton View to eat the beef noodles - but really - I think we all wanted to go and say hi to the house, and reminisce.
You know what? Gong gong's sign is back! Look! How cool? So they've now opened a little coffee shop restaraunt where Gong Gong used to run his trading business (or the Cave of Many Tasty Biscuits) downstairs from where you used to live. Papa also told me the story of why it is called Eng Nam Heng - i.e., because Gong Gong is from "Eng Chun", his business partner ("Tien Zhi Ko") is from "Nam Heong" and Heng means brothers! Apparently there was a 3rd partner who didn't quite get his name in. But you know. Sucks to be you (to him, not to you)
The sign - it is back.
And so went we went there we met Tien Zhi Ko's wife. She remembered Papa and Da Gu Jie. She looked like someone in my memory - and when she was there - I was flooded by memories of you, Gong Gong, the upstairs, the Cave of Many Taste Biscuits, running up and down the row of shophouses. I stared at her for a long time, I think it might have made her a little uncomfortable. But that's okay.
There was also the postbox. Remember this postbox? I remember the day Gong gong fixed it. WHY? So did Stupid Brother when I sent him the picture. This ugly plastic red postbox. Why do I remember it so well.
12A
I also took a picture of your gravestone - which looks very nice. But am not posting it here in case all my thousands of readers flock to it and disturb your peace.
I miss you. Always.
How fast time flies. You left us. And here we are now.
It's Qing Ming again. Pa and I have NOT made it back to see you. We should should should. We went a little earlier just to make sure the gravestone was in order. It looked fine to me, but to be honest, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. On the way back he suggested that we stop by Tayton View to eat the beef noodles - but really - I think we all wanted to go and say hi to the house, and reminisce.
You know what? Gong gong's sign is back! Look! How cool? So they've now opened a little coffee shop restaraunt where Gong Gong used to run his trading business (or the Cave of Many Tasty Biscuits) downstairs from where you used to live. Papa also told me the story of why it is called Eng Nam Heng - i.e., because Gong Gong is from "Eng Chun", his business partner ("Tien Zhi Ko") is from "Nam Heong" and Heng means brothers! Apparently there was a 3rd partner who didn't quite get his name in. But you know. Sucks to be you (to him, not to you)
The sign - it is back.
And so went we went there we met Tien Zhi Ko's wife. She remembered Papa and Da Gu Jie. She looked like someone in my memory - and when she was there - I was flooded by memories of you, Gong Gong, the upstairs, the Cave of Many Taste Biscuits, running up and down the row of shophouses. I stared at her for a long time, I think it might have made her a little uncomfortable. But that's okay.
There was also the postbox. Remember this postbox? I remember the day Gong gong fixed it. WHY? So did Stupid Brother when I sent him the picture. This ugly plastic red postbox. Why do I remember it so well.
12A
I also took a picture of your gravestone - which looks very nice. But am not posting it here in case all my thousands of readers flock to it and disturb your peace.
I miss you. Always.
Thursday, February 02, 2017
Goodbye and Hello!
Dear Ah Ma
I think its the 1 month anniversary of when you left. I can't be sure as I'm horrible with dates. But give or take a few days, I think I'm in the right range. Hello Ah Ma. Hao Ma?
All around my room are mementos of you. I have pictures of you when you were young (and gorgeous), when you were older with Gong Gong (and still dazzlingly beautiful) and when you were having to carry and entertain all sorts of babies (fat babies including myself). I have your glasses in my drawer (I didn't know you wore glasses). I have your passport photo in my iPhone case (that's weird of me, I know). I have your ring on my finger (hope you don't mind, papa said I could have it and I wanted something that I remembered you wearing).
I think about you everyday. Sometimes it's just a wistful longing - like when you miss someone and you wish they were here. Sometimes it's a dark punishing and piercing pain driven by guilt, regret and a feeling of having failed in the most extreme way. It comes and it goes - but it is here everyday, and I hope it never ends. I hope I never forget.
The night you fell sick, someone I deeply respect advised me to sing to you, keep talking, hold your hand and tell you I love you. I did everything but the last. But this, I do not regret. I know without a doubt that you understand how important you were to me and that what love I have for you could never be justified by words. You must know this.
I suppose life must go on, and so it shall. But it will be a little bit emptier in your absence. I miss you, with every piece of my heart and soul.
Say hi to Gong Gong.
Love
I think its the 1 month anniversary of when you left. I can't be sure as I'm horrible with dates. But give or take a few days, I think I'm in the right range. Hello Ah Ma. Hao Ma?
All around my room are mementos of you. I have pictures of you when you were young (and gorgeous), when you were older with Gong Gong (and still dazzlingly beautiful) and when you were having to carry and entertain all sorts of babies (fat babies including myself). I have your glasses in my drawer (I didn't know you wore glasses). I have your passport photo in my iPhone case (that's weird of me, I know). I have your ring on my finger (hope you don't mind, papa said I could have it and I wanted something that I remembered you wearing).
I think about you everyday. Sometimes it's just a wistful longing - like when you miss someone and you wish they were here. Sometimes it's a dark punishing and piercing pain driven by guilt, regret and a feeling of having failed in the most extreme way. It comes and it goes - but it is here everyday, and I hope it never ends. I hope I never forget.
The night you fell sick, someone I deeply respect advised me to sing to you, keep talking, hold your hand and tell you I love you. I did everything but the last. But this, I do not regret. I know without a doubt that you understand how important you were to me and that what love I have for you could never be justified by words. You must know this.
I suppose life must go on, and so it shall. But it will be a little bit emptier in your absence. I miss you, with every piece of my heart and soul.
Say hi to Gong Gong.
Love
2017 What?
So I have been checking all these Chinese horoscopes pretty religiously, and they consistently tell me that I'm in for a pretty shit year. Apparently there is something
Wednesday, January 04, 2017
Reunion
Dear Gong gong
By now, you've probably noticed that Ah Ma has come to you. I hope that she looks as amazing as she did when you first met her, which, based on the pictures is pretty damn hot.
I hope the two of you are very happy now. She missed you a lot when you were gone. So I guess you have a lot of catching up to do. You'll be happy to know that before she left, she managed to see all your children and most of the grandchildren. It was the first time we were together since you left. That was pretty great.
She's bringing along some pretty awesome Prada sunglasses which is now her signature look. You'll like it.
I will write to her when I'm ready.
I miss you alot.
Love
Me
By now, you've probably noticed that Ah Ma has come to you. I hope that she looks as amazing as she did when you first met her, which, based on the pictures is pretty damn hot.
I hope the two of you are very happy now. She missed you a lot when you were gone. So I guess you have a lot of catching up to do. You'll be happy to know that before she left, she managed to see all your children and most of the grandchildren. It was the first time we were together since you left. That was pretty great.
She's bringing along some pretty awesome Prada sunglasses which is now her signature look. You'll like it.
I will write to her when I'm ready.
I miss you alot.
Love
Me
Sunday, January 01, 2017
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